Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
