haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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