The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I want her autograph on my taint
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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