You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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