If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
