i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
