Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
