4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think i got beer on your cat.
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