I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
