She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
