Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
