She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
