Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
