Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
