Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
