So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
