I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
