i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
