ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
