Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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