so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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