Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
