Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
