wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
