I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
