went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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