the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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