Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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