I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
