I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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