There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I take back everything I said about communal showers
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
