I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
