rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this boner is exhausting
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
