It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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