just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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