So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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