I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
