for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
