is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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