I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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