i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
