it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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