The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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