I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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