you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
