Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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