When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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