My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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