would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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