If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
