NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
