I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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