That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
