Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
